When a computer program says “Not Responding” I start texting it stuff like “Who are you with?” and “Just heard our song”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Me: hey no pressure but if we got married this week on 4/20 our 50th anniversary would be 4/20/69 just something to think about
me: *shakes magic 8 ball* will i ever find my maracas?