@HatfieldAnne

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

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@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@AGreaterMonster

The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@_elvishpresley_

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

@redthe1

My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that’s correct

@titusbb

I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.

@GloriaFallon123

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

@ThatBrenna

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

@rowdyforsheriff

[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee