What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos


The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.


Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35


[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn


My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that’s correct


I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.


I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen


I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”


[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee