What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.