What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I needed a laugh this morning.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on