I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
WHAT I ORDER: French toast
WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die
You Might Also Like
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: what are you doing?
Daughter: playing with Michael.
Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.
Daughter: I know.
Me: how did you know?
Daughter: Michael told me.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.