Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.