@timmartinwhy

WHAT I ORDER: French toast

WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

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@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

@offbeatoliv

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

@souls_asylum

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

@Devoguido

Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

@TheAlexNevil

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.