What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.


[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend


Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight


My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?

Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there


In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.


Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault


•Woozy woman comes up•
“OMG I’m-I’m gonna faint!”

“Go ahead, knock yourself out”


“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.