Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
<at a baptism>
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.
People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.