@Gupton68

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

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@SardonicTart

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

@davidgrossTV

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@jillboard

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

@AimeeHelene1

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

@shutupmikeginn

Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that

@AnkCoupleTO

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

@tsm560

My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.

@Kryzazy

Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.