What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
#milo
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..