My five stages of waking up:
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.
Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.