You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Ha.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand