What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Sooo many times…..
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself