What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.