What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
$3 #books
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*