What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
You Might Also Like
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound