If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Never be a pizza!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
dream blunt rotation
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls