Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
pizza
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
they really do be looking like this
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”