What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
😂😂😂
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”