What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point