How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m sorry…what?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
The booster protects against what, now?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.