@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

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@TheHyyyype

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

@Sickayduh

Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available

@jjhartinger

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

@diaruba74

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

@quikkim

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

@7_Cents

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

@DaddyJew

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

@iamspacegirl

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

@jillyhendrix

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

@nbadag

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”