What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio