What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

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[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal


Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available


I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.


Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.


If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.


Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.


Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.


Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine


Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.


*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”