What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”