What I said:

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

You Might Also Like


Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.


Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.


Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.


Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.


After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit


Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.


[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse


Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.