What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra