You’d better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!
What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
COP: step outta the car
COP: got any drugs on u
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.