What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Wake me when AI does housework
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night