What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You Might Also Like
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*