What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
*exercises sarcastically*
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I occasionally drink every single night.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
the Monday after daylight savings
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140