What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*