With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…