What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
That de-escalated quickly
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
North and South
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.