What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.