What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario