@HRTSMRT

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

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@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@NikiWithIssues

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.