Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
Apparently, occupants aren’t 8 legged pants for octopi
this has done me in for some reason
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.