WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
be careful
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.