What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

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If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.


Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?


Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?


“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do


They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.


ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea


Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.


If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.