@TheAlexNevil

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

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@kathybotteas

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

@nesgritton

Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?

@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?

@TheBoydP

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@ShesARealGenius

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.

@Miz_Mental_Case

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.