What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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Me trying to “trust the process”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
O Wise One….
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.