Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.