Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk
I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
*Jesus comes into the house*
Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn?
*room gets super quiet*
Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.