@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

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@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@karencheee

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk

@KPsych29

I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.

@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@KenJennings

*Jesus comes into the house*
Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn?
*room gets super quiet*
Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry

@goodtimenoel

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

@FartInASkillet

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

@nojeshua

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

@Henry_3k

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.