@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

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@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@9GAG

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

@iamspacegirl

hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby

@BlakWidowBarbee

Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

@_elvishpresley_

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@charrrllaa

I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?