What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.


David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.



Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this


hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby


Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.


I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.


cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest


oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples


I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?