What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

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donut holes but for onion rings. onion holes and if you steal this idea just know you are taking food out of my family’s mouth


Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price




If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.


Your tattoo says “only god can judge me” yet here i am….


*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.


Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’


oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun


WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT


There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.


“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.