pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.