What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

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More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”


Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..


Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.


update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared


College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs


PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?


another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem


If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.