[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”