[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes