@pixelatedboat

What I would do if I had a falcon

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@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

@madcaplaughs30

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

@TheBeerGuy_

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

@LlamaInaTux

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@TheHyyyype

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

@LOLGOP

God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@quarantinerules

New social distancing rules: you may go on walks with loved ones but they must remain 6 feet behind you and if you turn around to look at them, they will stay in the underworld forever