@pixelatedboat

What I would do if I had a falcon

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@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

@Bagyants

The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows

@CauseWereGuys

Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..

@MarfSalvador

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

@Jarhead44

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

@FU_TangClan

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

@SnarkyMommy78

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

@Nickadoo

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

@iwearaonesie

son *sits down* [sigh] What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *starts sliding my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.