What I would do if I had a falcon

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Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.


This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.


What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?


Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone


[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance


[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?


God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.


Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary


New social distancing rules: you may go on walks with loved ones but they must remain 6 feet behind you and if you turn around to look at them, they will stay in the underworld forever