What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Match dot com, but for socks.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
bought wrong eggs
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.