What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.