what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
You Might Also Like
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Battery falling down a hole
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Brilliant!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.