What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
3% human
97% stress
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.