People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Dude: You got a light?
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.