What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Choose your fighter
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong