What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.