Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*
Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?
INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?