@MikeCanRant

what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?

You Might Also Like

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!

@NYC_Blonde

Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@Thing_Finder

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

@redsunO21

muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators

@13spencer

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend