For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
You Might Also Like
Me trying to look natural in photos
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years