@MikeCanRant

what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?

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@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@CallmeMrBigs

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

@molly7anne

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

@thenatewolf

*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*

Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this

@P_o_n_k

INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.

@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

@kwirkyKerri

There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?