Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
Straight people are cancelled
Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?
I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend