What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT