Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch