@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

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@TheBoydP

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

@TheTweetOfGod

Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.

@clichedout

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@Izianikapani

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch