@KoKeniSasquatch

What idiot called it a transplant and not re-organ-izing?

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@13spencer

If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@novicefather

Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.

@ElleOhHell

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

@SCbchbum

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.