HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.