What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.