What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time